Unpacking my suitcase

Unpacking my suitcase is a step in the right direction.  Or I should say:  it’s humbling, soul-refreshing and burden-releasing.  Have you ever had to ‘live out of your suitcase?’  There’s not too much room for extras and I’ve wanted to do it for oh, so long!

The encouragement to fast from an activity that wastes my time has been difficult.  It has not been all that hard to step away from so much facebook time; the challenge has been to spend that time in prayer.  That’s where living out of my suitcase, living out of a life of prayer, is a much better option than leaving it neat and tidy and only to be opened on certain occasions, and at that, only using certain phrases or tones or patterns of speech.

For quite some time I have known that praying has escaped me.  Not all the time; not every week; not every day.  But its essence has become so ephemeral, like wasted words that carry my soul further from Jesus rather than towards Him.  Why?  Because I am all too ready to rely on me.  It’s pretty basic, and there is nothing like a real-life situation to tease this out.

Living with my Mom has been such a blessing, but as time goes on, there are painful decisions to be made and I didn’t want to bring them to the Lord, because I have been afraid of… what will people think?  Afraid of…how would it look if she should need to move into long-term care? Afraid of… my heart breaking over the losses in her life and this would be one more.  While many things point to a need for a different level of care for her, I have not been ready or willing to bring it to the Lord.  I’ve just continued to rely on me.

Pastor Pernell’s recent message about humility and grace has dovetailed with a book I am reading by Paul E. Miller: “A Praying Life,” and where they meet is the touchstone of my life as a Christian- the need for a heart of humility. The apostle Paul needed humbling; needed to be told that “…my(God’s) power is made perfect in weakness.”( 2 Corinthians 12:9).  It’s soul-piercing, because it means I am way too self-sufficient.  Miller writes: “Dependency is the heartbeat of prayer.”(p.24).

I’m glad, actually, for these timely reminders-my heart needed wounding; strange as that may sound.  It is just far too easy to deceive myself into thinking that I can go to work, go to church, go hiking, go visiting, go on vacation, take care of Mom, and do it all well; but leave prayer in my proverbial suitcase- only to be taken out when things get rough.   

I have lost an element of the childlike simplicity that it takes to rely on someone else. Oh, to think of it; that “someone else” is my heavenly Father!  What a relief.  I had forgotten how rich is the grace of my God, and if I could just remember that I need to live out of my suitcase, there would be a lot less clutter in my mind, a lot more room for seeking the welfare of others and so much less to carry around in my over-burdened heart.  And, wonder of wonders, I can never exhaust the contents of this suitcase, since prayer is a gift from my God, whose supply is never diminished.  Actually, the more my heart is caught up in prayer, the greater the supply.  So I am asking the Lord to make the way plain before me, in regards to the care of my Mom.  And I am waiting with expectant confidence that He will show me. 

I am glad that the disciples asked Jesus: “Teach us to pray,” (Luke 11:3). Today, I am bringing the same request to Him.  Funny thing is, my very request is, in itself, a prayer.  And so my suitcase will remain unpacked and open.