Unpacking my suitcase
Unpacking my suitcase is a step in the right direction. Or I should say: it’s humbling, soul-refreshing and
burden-releasing. Have you ever had to
‘live out of your suitcase?’ There’s not
too much room for extras and I’ve wanted to do it for oh, so long!
The encouragement to fast from an activity that wastes my
time has been difficult. It has not been
all that hard to step away from so much facebook time; the challenge has been
to spend that time in prayer. That’s
where living out of my suitcase, living out of a life of prayer, is a much
better option than leaving it neat and tidy and only to be opened on certain
occasions, and at that, only using certain phrases or tones or patterns of
speech.
For quite some time I have known that praying has escaped
me. Not all the time; not every week;
not every day. But its essence has
become so ephemeral, like wasted words that carry my soul further from Jesus
rather than towards Him. Why? Because I am all too ready to rely on
me. It’s pretty basic, and there is nothing
like a real-life situation to tease this out.
Living with my Mom has been such a blessing, but as time
goes on, there are painful decisions to be made and I didn’t want to bring them
to the Lord, because I have been afraid of… what will people think? Afraid of…how would it look if she should
need to move into long-term care? Afraid of… my heart breaking over the losses
in her life and this would be one more. While
many things point to a need for a different level of care for her, I have not
been ready or willing to bring it to the Lord.
I’ve just continued to rely on me.
Pastor Pernell’s recent message about humility and grace has
dovetailed with a book I am reading by Paul E. Miller: “A Praying Life,” and
where they meet is the touchstone of my life as a Christian- the need for a
heart of humility. The apostle Paul needed humbling; needed to be told that “…my(God’s) power is made perfect in
weakness.”( 2 Corinthians 12:9). It’s
soul-piercing, because it means I am way too self-sufficient. Miller writes: “Dependency is the heartbeat
of prayer.”(p.24).
I’m glad, actually, for these timely reminders-my heart
needed wounding; strange as that may sound.
It is just far too easy to deceive myself into thinking that I can go to
work, go to church, go hiking, go visiting, go on vacation, take care of Mom,
and do it all well; but leave prayer in my proverbial suitcase- only to be
taken out when things get rough.
I have lost an element of the childlike simplicity that it
takes to rely on someone else. Oh, to think of it; that “someone else” is my
heavenly Father! What a relief. I had forgotten how rich is the grace of my
God, and if I could just remember that I need to live out of my suitcase, there
would be a lot less clutter in my mind, a lot more room for seeking the welfare
of others and so much less to carry around in my over-burdened heart. And, wonder of wonders, I can never exhaust
the contents of this suitcase, since prayer is a gift from my God, whose supply
is never diminished. Actually, the more
my heart is caught up in prayer, the greater the supply. So I am asking the Lord to make the way plain
before me, in regards to the care of my Mom.
And I am waiting with expectant confidence that He will show me.
I am glad that the disciples asked Jesus: “Teach us to pray,” (Luke 11:3). Today, I
am bringing the same request to Him.
Funny thing is, my very request is, in itself, a prayer. And so my suitcase will remain unpacked and
open.
